A letter to Squiggles

It was never the right time. I was doing really well at work, and my boss had just promoted me with a chunky pay rise. As a young couple in London, life couldn't have been more fun. Lots of travelling, a great friend circle, loads of partying and a fantastic city. What more could one want?

But for daddy life had that bit missing. While for me the missing bit could come at anytime once we had finished enjoying ourselves, what was the hurry?

10 months later and that missing bit is a month old and much more than a 'bit'.

It's interesting how your perspective can change so dramatically in such a short period of time. All throughout my pregnancy I was apprehensive that I wouldn't feel that overpowering rush of emotion that most parents talk about. I didn't have any motherly instincts, nor was I over excited about motherhood. I had always liked kids but from afar. The first time I felt such a strong emotion was when my niece was born but that too didn't translate into a desire for one of my own.

And now as I look down at you, I can't help but feel proud that we have brought you into this world. My very own, a part of me... nothing at work can ever equal this. Why didn't I understand this before?

Yes, life will be very different but it doesn't mean I have to give up any of the things I enjoy. Whether it's travelling or partying or working. It will mean more effort and a lot of planning but all of these is possible... I need to find a way to make it happen.

Squiggles... I wouldn't change a thing. You came at just the right time in my life when I was mature enough to deal with motherhood and hosts of other less important things.

You're a month old now and every day has been so much fun. I've loved seeing you change each day. I love the myriad expressions you make in your sleep, especially when I kiss you in your sleep and you purse your lips in irritation. I am always speechless when I see you smile or laugh, anticipating when you will do both in response to what I say or do. I know that you will also be angry with me, shout at me just like I do with Grandma. I know I will be upset when you do that but yet I look forward to that day.

I hate it when you cry, but sometimes I find it funny too. Your capacity to make yourself heard is unique just like your name. I remember the first time you had tears in your eyes, it was so sweet. I was so proud that you could produce tears and yet so sad that there was something that was causing you to shed them in the first place. I've also figured out that everytime you cry, it's not for milk. Sometimes you just want to be held, or you're tired because I've taken you outdoors and you've not had enough sleep, or you're just getting bored.

I love the sounds you make in your sleep... the lovely gurgling sounds. You've even oohed and aahed a couple of times. You now look at me closely as if trying to understand my role in your life. You always make me laugh when you smack your lips in satisfaction after a good feed...you take after my family in that respect, we all love our food.

And most of all, though I can't honestly say that I love changing your diapers, I don't mind it. And this is a big admission from someone who washes her hands a 100 times during the day. I never thought that I would bear the smell uncomplainingly. While I can ask the maid to change you I don't because you're mine and as far as possible I want to be the one who takes care of you.

So my darling, thanks for making me realise that you're not filling a 'missing bit' but making your own unique space in my heart and in this world.

Here's a picture of the cake that you were too upset to appreciate yesterday. It was my favourite - chocolate and really yummy. Nanu and papa bought it specially to celebrate your 1st month.

Happy 1st month darling!

Mummy

PS - You made my day today. You started to cry, but when I caressed your cheek and spoke to you softly, you gave me a big wide smile. Not the one that you usually give in your sleep but a full blown one only for me. Thanks sweetheart.