Did I expect the rush of intense emotion when I first saw you. Like a feeling of awe. One second you were inside me, and the next you were your own tiny person. Covered in stuff that wasn't very attractive, if I'm honest :). The rational part of me registered that. Like clocking all the facts and filing them away to be retrieved later. Another part of me was amazed. I guess it was difficult to register that you were safe and sound with me. All my fears of whether I would be able to carry you to safety, put to rest.
What can I say about the last one year that wouldn't sound like a cliche. Every mother goes through this experience and yet each experience tends to be unique. Because each of us is unique and each child more so. You changed my life and you changed me. In all the wonderful ways. Ways, that unless I actually experienced it myself, I would never have believed in. I'm a convert. Motherhood suits me. I love being a mom. Actually, I love being your mom :).
How would I describe the little person that you've become over the last year. From a tiny helpless thing with only one expression to a little person with a surprisingly large repertoire of expressions, antics and intent. I remember the early days. Your needs were very basic. And I was struggling to cope. Dad was hounding me about things that should have been sorted later, when I was more ready. You were having colicky phases which only Grandma knew how to sort out. Sore nipples, episiotomy wounds, feeling fat and frumpy... the list is endless. And yet through all of that what I remember most is the gorgeous little smiles you would give in your sleep. Sometimes even the sweet sound of your laugh. It fascinated me that you expressed all this in your sleep. Grandma said the fairies were visiting you and I like to believe that.
One of the biggest changes in me is the increasing wealth of patience that I have developed. It surprised me to see that I could cope with all the demands you made not just with patience but with a well of love that I didn't believe myself capable of. The other thing that I have become is irrational. My fears for your well being, for your safety can only be called crazy. I have imagined every scenario and worse. This fear will never leave me, I recognise that.
How would I describe you today?
Full of energy. You hate sleeping. You want to play all the time. Now that you're walking, you want to walk all the time. You're also very social. Very keen to introduce yourself to absolute strangers. Other children fascinate you. You prefer if they are older than you but anyone will do as long as they are not a giant! You love the water. Bath times are fun times for you and have been always. You recognise the fish in your tub and point them out to me every now and then. When you were littler, you were fascinated by the water gushing out through the plug hole. You would spend fascinating minutes trying to catch the water gushing out.
You've also learnt to show your affection voluntarily. I can now expect a hug or a kiss. Of course, if I initiate it then you may or may not deign to allow me to smother you with hugs and kisses. You love going out. You could spend all your time downstairs watching the people, dogs, flowers, plants. You love 'Toto'. Your word for a dog which has now expanded to include all animals you like. Daddy bought you a white and blue stuffed dog which you adore. That's our saviour for when we need you to sit in the car seat. You pounce upon the fellow and pummel him mercilessly. But he's survived pretty well.
You're capable of the most impressive tantrums. If ignored, it's equally impressive to see them subside on their own :).
We have so much fun, you and I. We play games, go out and do stuff. Now that I'm working, you've amazed me by showing how less you miss me! Here I was imagining tortuous scenes and there you're busy playing with your Aunty. You love her to bits. She plays with you, feeds you, makes funny sounds and you love her for that. She's your favourite person. I'm still wondering where I stand in the pecking order when she's around :). You're a special child. Special to me in ways that you will never understand nor appreciate.
I love you, baby. More than you can believe. Remember that always.