Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Breaking News

Close sources have confirmed that Ms. Squiggles from Singapore has been conferred an honorary doctorate in Human Psychology by the University of Infants Rule the World. Our correspondent in Singapore brings you an exclusive interview with the elusive Ms. oops Dr. Squiggles.

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As I enter the room she lies on her tummy, head raised high with bright inquisitive eyes taking in her surroundings. She's dressed in a cute little orange onesie. Her eyes swivel towards me, absorbing everything in a long unflinching glance. I can see the intelligence in those eyes and am no longer wondering how someone so young could achieve so much so soon. My curiosity aroused, we begin.

First of all Congratulations Dr. Squiggles! How does it feel to receive such an honour at the tender age of 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days?

Dr. Squiggles *gushingly, hands over face*: Oh thank you! It feels wonderful. It was totally unexpected you see. I'm really happy that my efforts are being recognised.

Dr. Squiggles starts pulling her legs up, trying to catch hold of them with her hands. I cough a couple of times to get her attention but a blue frog has caught her fancy and I'm struggling.

Dr. Squiggles! Dr. Squiggles!!!

I'm loud enough to get a cursory glance. Before she looks away I plunge in.

What would you consider are your major achievements?

Where do I start? Hmmm...

1. I'm quite fond of my mom. And I really don't like it when she hands me over to someone else as she does quite often. So I decided to get rid of this nonsense. Now as soon as someone else picks me up I start crying and I don't stop until I'm back in her arms.

2. I have almost got rid of my dad. Everytime he comes near I start wailing. As a result there's little opportunity for my mom to spend time with my dad. The plan to separate them is working really well. In fact the other day I overheard them arguing. Mom thought Dad wasn't making enough of an effort and Dad kept saying that there wasn't much point because I was crying loudly with my eyes shut tight. I do that really well. She was suggesting that maybe Dad should get off his backside and walk around with me. As if that would work *smirk*.

It's the orange monkey now.

Dr. Squiggles!!!

Oh yes, sorry. 3. I get bored quite easily. I think Mom has finally figured out that I need constant attention and entertainment. Sometimes she gets a bit lazy and tries to put me in my crib with the mobile playing. But I've told her in no uncertain terms that is not going to work anymore. Just because I was stupid enough to lie there quietly watching it when I was younger doesn't mean it's going to work now when I'm older.

4. I now communicate with all strangers (everyone except my mom that is) while perched on her shoulder. I coo, gurgle and smile at everyone from a comfortable distance. I don't like to get too close and I think I've got the message across pretty well.

I: How hard has it been for you to reach this stage?

It was surprisingly easy actually. Adults are a piece of cake to manage. I am quite fortunate that I have first time parents. That makes them especially vulnerable (stumbling a little on that long word) to crying infants.

I: What are your key strengths?

Persistence. I can outcry the best of them. My parents have tried all kinds of tactics - ignoring me, trying to distract me with funny noises, joining in and imitating my cry, doing funny little jigs, getting outsiders to help. They're quite creative really. But I have been quite persistent with my wailing. As soon as they cave in, I quieten down.

My second key strength is Innovation. The moment my mom thinks she has figured out a way to distract me I come up with another reason to throw a tantrum. E.g. When I was smaller I hated the car seat and would cry all the time when she put me in it. Now that she's managed to convince me of its merits, I cry everytime the car stops. So, you see innovation is the key.

Dr. Squiggles has just spied her mom and starts whimpering for her attention. I wave a rattle in her face to get her to continue with the interview. I succeed but only for a bit longer.

I: Any special tips for other infants out there?

What I have found works particularly well is to continue to whimper in a complaining manner after the tantrum. This I find serves to remind my mom that I have not forgotten the latest cruelty lest they contemplate putting me down or giving me to someone else to carry. Any further attempts to have their way are promptly discarded.

The other thing that I would like to say to all the other infants is keep them on their toes. Don't ever get into a routine. The uncertainty means that they are constantly wondering what's going to happen next and all plans are at your mercy.

Oh and tears, of course. Nothing like good old tears.

Dr. Squiggles is looking beseechingly at her mom again. I hurry.

I: Is there anyone you would like to acknowledge before we end this interview?

This *holding up the plaque* is for my Mom. It wouldn't have been possible without her. I love you Ma.

18 comments:

noon said...

Congratulations Dr.Squiggles!! You certainly have 'em parents figured out like the back of your hand! Way to go! Keep 'em on their toes!! :)
(Cute post!)

mnamma said...

Cutest post! I was smiling all through it. And hugs and kisses to dear Dr. Squiggles - she is doing a very good job in keeping Mama on her toes :)

Moppet's Mom said...

LOL! Remember that old movie - I think it was called Baby Geniuses - where the adults only think they're in control, and it's the babies running the world? I thought it was such a dumb concept at the time, but now I wonder....

Timepass said...

Cute post..Squiggles seems to be busy with interviews now itself, so I can imagine the situation a few mths down the line!!

choxbox said...

LOL! cute mamma ka cute bachcha!

Gauri said...

"Adults are a piece of cake to manage" LOL !!!!
How very true Dr.Squiggles.

And I do hope you put your doctorate to good use ;-)

And oh, before I forget, Dr.Squiggles - I sure look forward to more inputs of this kind from you.

Malavika said...

Ah. Young Dhruv seems to have skipped the "cry when not with mommy" chapter in favour of the "make people rock me for 40 minutes for a daytime nap, pretend to fall asleep, and then wake up and squeak 20 minutes later just when they're congratulating each other and saying optimistic things like "I think he'll sleep for a couple of hours now"."
Mala

Squiggles Mom said...

Noon - Aren't you supposed to be on my side???

Mnamma - You're not supposed to approve. You should be telling her off!

Moppet's Mom - I have to watch this movie. It may make me feel better after all.

Timepass - Oh dear, you mean it's going to get worse?

Gauri - I'm sure Doctor sahiba will be more than pleased to oblige :).

Mala - Lucky girl. Trust me your situation sounds much better.
They never sleep when you expect them to!

DotMom said...

ROTFL. What an awsome post. Dr.Squiggles you are on a roll here!

Squiggles Mom said...

dotmom - Aww that's really sweet. And yes unfortunately for her mom Dr. Squiggles IS on a roll!

Swati said...

Hahahaah..what a cute cute post. Adults are sure a piece of cake to manage ...so true this is Dr.

Kodi's Mom said...

LOL! good stuff, S's mom! and Doc Squiggles - congrats on the award - whimpering, uncertainity and tears, eh? I think the toddlers would value your tips just as much as the babies :)

Squiggles Mom said...

Kodi's Mom - We really don't want the doc sharing her tips with ANYONE!

Suki said...

Yeeow! Lovely article, that.

Sue said...

LOL!

Bringing up parents ain't an easy job. Speaking as one who is still at it (and is also being brought up, I suppose) I have to hand it to Dr. Squiggles for her in-depth analysis.

Squiggles Mom said...

Suki - Thanks :)

Sue - I'm sure she appreciates the support! And yes you are being brought up too Sue whether you realise it or not!!

Swaram said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Swaram said...

Nice post; what a way to put these sweet things in words :)