The problem with not blogging for so long is it's difficult to decide where where to start. Hmmmm. At the beginning then.
I started work at the beginning of June and it has been super hectic. Which explains my absence these past few weeks.
Before I started I was full of misgivings about whether I was being selfish about going back to work, leaving Squiggles with my mom and the whole guilt business. I must say though that in all of this Squiggles has surprised me the most with her ability to adapt. If I'm honest then I will admit that from day one she didn't miss me. At all. She sees me off happily, waving cheerily and receiving my presence in the evening with equanimity. Sometimes a little excitement, but nothing overwhelming. But once I am home in the evening, she won't leave my side till she's asleep. I guess that's the only sign she shows of needing me or missing me.
What was tough about the first week at work was that Squiggles came down with a serious case of the flu. She had high fever (103 deg F) and just wasn't well. This meant that I was up with her all night, checking her temperature, medicating her and then heading out to work in the morning. It really tested my resolve about going back to work. But she soldiered through after a course of antibiotics. I don't think I could have continued going to the office if I didn't have the support of my mom. I think I would have just left.
The daily routine is something like this. I leave by about 8.30 in the morning. My dad comes and picks up all of us. We drop Squiggles with my maid at the my mom's and then DD picks me up in the evening and we pick up Squiggles on our way back. I then spend an hour or so playing with her. She has her milk and then she's usually out by 7.30pm.
I've gotten over the guilt phase now. I am enjoying being back at work though I do miss Squiggles and one part of me continues to wish that I was the kind of person who could be happy at home so that I could spend more time playing with S. The hours are quite long but I make it a point to leave by 6pm. I'm home by 6.30pm. And if I need to work then I spend a couple of hours after dinner. Or put in more time over the weekend. My problem is also that I cannot accept going to work for timepass. I need to keep proving myself, giving my best. I can't do the 'chalta hai' attitude. Which means that sleep is a precious commodity.
I'm still struggling with the new organisation. I've been given a lot of responsibility and really there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. So, I'm spending a lot of home time thinking about work related things. Which if I wasn't gunning for a promotion within 12 months, would be all right. But if I really want that promotion I have to bust my gut. Sigh. Convoluted thoughts here as well.
Let's move on to more positive stuff. Squiggles is just a lot of fun these days. She has developed a keen sense of fun and mischief and is seen busily pottering around the house all day. From the moment she wakes up, she is up and about. Cheerfully exploring the house, running around re-discovering her friends and things that she hasn't seen since the previous night. We play games, sing songs and she joins in. Enthusiastically.
Her vocabulary is also expanding. She says 'flower' quite clearly. And if she doesn't want something then 'nahin nahin' is very emphatically stated with a clear shake of the head. A couple of weekends ago I told her to go in and wake papa up. Off she went from the living room to our bedroom, and a few seconds later I could hear her saying gibberish to DD who was sleeping in he middle of the day! Kids are so intelligent. I couldn't believe that not only had she understood what I was asking of her but she was able to do it as well.
Whenever we get into the lift, she loves pressing the button and seeing it light up. It always brings this big wide grin to her face. She also knows that before pressing the button for our floor, she has to swipe our security pass which allows us access to the lift.
I've been taking her to this indoor playground the last couple of saturdays and she loves it there. My mom was with me one day and she had S's lunch with her. I would ask her to go to grandma and get a bite before returning to the playground and she was very obedient about it. She would hobble along to my mom, get her bite and then promptly return to the play area. By the time she got there, it was time to turn around and get her next bite. It was so cute.
She loves going down to the park and mom tells me that she goes down at least 6-8 times every day with the maid. She will point to the pram and tell them to put her in it. And if they don't put the seat belt she cries because she equates the seat belt with going out. If I ask her to go find her shoes, she promptly disappears to look for them. And then will proudly hold them up when she finds them. Obviously this means we have to take her down. She almost hyperventilates when it is time to go somewhere. She gets so excited, flapping her arms and legs wildly. Almost a bit crazily actually :).
She has really come into her own this last few weeks. She has her own personality and she's displaying stubborn streaks. She's very clear about what she wants or doesn't want. She observes things and remembers them.
She can open all the drawers now and she loves exploring them. But she will not explore the one drawer which I have created just for her - the one drawer that does not have any important papers or harmful object. This drawer she doesn't touch.
Oh and I forgot to tell you, she pointed at our wine rack the other day and said 'nahin nahin'! She knows she's not supposed to touch that!
So much is happening every day......... Every moment that I spend with her is precious because there are so few of them nowadays.
Do I regret going back to work? No.
Do I regret spending less time with S? Yes.
Where can the two meet?